A Place at the Table

Alister McGrath’s book If I Had Lunch with CS Lewis is an invitation to understand, converse and learn about one of history’s greatest apologists and children’s writers. The concept of the book is straightforward and simple: learned professor and Lewis biographer gets together with interested students to eat lunch and chat about Lewis’ ideas. McGrath adds plenty to the written conversation by filling out the story beyond Lewis’ books.

The book divided into 8 of Lewis’ ideas which are the luncheon topics. Well organized and accessible, the topics are deeply examined with great enthusiasm. Readers will most likely devour the chapters on Narnia as the insights into the “true country” is well critiqued and explained. The book doesn't rest on Narnia’s shores alone though: I was pleased to find that Lewis, upon a career turn to radio, had to practice and develop as a speaker, to train his keenly academic style to a more comfortable audience. There’s something wonderfully human about the idea of this accomplished teacher having to start again, to figure things out in a new dimension of communication. I’m glad he did and didn't give up and I’m glad McGrath brings it to our attention the way he does.

An early chapter covered Lewis’ atheism. It’s not McGrath’s writing, but the topic of Lewis’ atheism itself that bores me. I’m thrilled he had a re-conversion, but I don’t often find the history of that portion of his life to be stimulating. However, it is not dwelled upon for long and McGrath’s insights into Lewis’ re-conversion are a nicely laid out as an indicator of Lewis’ habit of thought and reasoning. Additionally, the insights into Lewis’ books on pain and grief in later chapters are deeply thought provoking. Knowing Lewis’ work well, McGrath supplies the reader with fantastic comparative readings of The Problem of Pain and A Grief Observed, notably different books for and from different parts of Lewis’ life.

One additional thing this book did, other than making me want to re-read everything Lewis wrote, was to spark the desire to engage in the community of writers, readers and thinkers. Lewis found great value in learning from others, in debating and critiquing creative ideas. McGrath might hold that company in the same high regard. For a creative type who has an office job One might feel her soul drying up by week’s end from lack of inspired engagement, but this book, as well as the subsequent desire to find a discussion or reading group of my own, was a lovely spring of theology, creativity and criticism moistening the dryness of my imagination.

McGrath doesn't attempt to hide his loyalty as a “Lewis man” by drawing unnecessary comparisons between friends and fellow writers Lewis and J.R.R. Tolkien. His criticism of Tolkien is shallow at best and distracting throughout his chapters on the development of Narnia. I actually ended up feeling quite sore about this point, leaning towards defending Tolkien. As the book wasn't about Tolkien, and as far as I’m aware McGrath is not a Tolkien scholar, he seemed too forward in his categorization of this great writer. The world over people have been deeply attached to and affected by the stories of his imagination and he deserved better than what McGrath gave him here. McGrath is immaturely flippant about other scholars’ criticism of Lewis’ “loose ends” in his story writing (among other things) and Tolkien’s “sensitivity” about apparent plagiarism of his work by Lewis. Apparently, not only can Lewis do no wrong, but he’s above reproach and criticism according to McGrath. I like Lewis’ work and have been deeply affected and challenged by his writings, but he’s still just a man, prone to imperfection, and people are entitled to their criticism of him. If I got this impression of McGrath wrong, his editor should have done him a better service.

Another unfortunate casualty of most writers who are Lewis devotees is his brother Warnie. Warren Lewis is spoken of little and when he is everyone makes the point that he was an alcoholic. Why do writers think that Lewis would have approved of his “best friend” and co-founder of the Inklings to be a footnote to his life? How disrespectful to his devoted brother can these critics be to continue to use Warnie’s unfortunate troubles with alcohol as the only notable part of his life? I hesitate to mention it now, except that it’s worthy of criticism. Why must this be Warnie’s legacy: alcoholic brother of CS Lewis? Lewis found his brother valuable – do writers about Lewis ever lead into their notes about Warnie with that in mind?

It’s a short and mostly enjoyable work, but one unfortunate creative absence on McGrath’s part was inviting us to a place at the table, in such-and-such pub, with these particular young people… I imagine there would have been a change in luncheoning venue from time to time, different items on the menu, sounds, smells, regretted dining choices perhaps. It would have been charming to have been in the scene with them as they ate and discussed these particular great ideas. The closest he gets is mentioning the overcast conditions of their last meal together, but it was as benign as any note about the weather could be.

Tyndale House Publishers provided me with a complimentary copy of this book for review.  

Me Interviewing Me (1)

1. What was the happiest time of your life? Every day with my daughter & husband, so it's really been my happiest 15 month streak.
2. What was the saddest part of your life? The day my dad died (and most of the days after that).
3. What are your top 3 regrets? Trusting people I shouldn't have out of loneliness, not saving more money when I had the chance, not treating people more kindly when I had the opportunity (tons of faces and names still haunt me and cause a well of shame to wash over me)
4. What are your top 3 aspirations? To raise a healthy and caring daughter, to have a happy marriage every day, to hear God say to me 'well-done'. 
5. What is your favorite sound? tie between my daughter's laugh, sigh and babbling and my husband saying "I love you"
6. What is your favorite book? I love lots of books, but one I cannot ever not say is my favorite is "Pride and Prejudice" 
7. What are you most afraid of? Dying and leaving my baby girl and husband to fend for themselves. Either one of them dying. Or not spending my whole life with God
8. What are you un-afraid of? Telling my husband when I fail. Asking for his forgiveness. Telling my daughter how much I adore her. 
9. What is one thing you can change today? I can change my attitude about how much I've obsessed about negative situations lately. Things just stick to me for far too long. 
10. What is one thing you know you can't change today? Making more time in my life for resting.

Share the Good

I've been reading a fair amount on the internet lately and have attended a couple of semniars through work in the past couple of weeks and have stumbled upon my disatisfaction with how often people are willing to share what they hate, why they hate it and how much of an idiot the person they hate really is.

Whether it's the latest celebrity break up where the comments section of the announcing articile is flooded with negative things to say about committment to marriage, commenters calling each other mornons, or even revelry at a couple's demise (by the way to most of the reading public these people are strangers so it's funny to me to be so invested in them in the first place, but to have a public opinion on a marriage breaking up where you have never spoken to either party seems almost psychologically imbalanced), the latest tragedy of violence in the news, or a seminar at work, everyone seems willing to share their negative thoughts.

I find it concerning for a few reasons:

One, it's really no fun at the end of the day to listen to people talk about what they don't like. Somtimes it feels good to do it to blow off steam, but since it's not really productive, it doesn't actually get you anywhere. Complaining wears you out and, at least at work, it can get you a reputation for being an essentially negative person. Criticial thinking is something I really appreciate, but criticism doesn't seek to destroy, it seeks to examine.

Second, it limits openness and encouragement with others. I noticed this particularly at work events where the first person to chime in during a discussion after a speaker presented put down the ideas being shared, everyone else at the table kind of slowly jumped in on the criticism. Occassionally you run into people who are willing to be contradictory to negativity, but mostly people just follow the leader. Once the speaker has been deemed an idiot or a special case then no one else is permitted the opportunity to liken themselves to the speaker's experiences, to applaud what was said or even bring critical thinking into play. It's just a bash session and we're done. Again, not productive, not encouraging.

Lastly, it just really sets my mind on the wrong course for the day. I know the world is full of hateful people, but is it really neccessary that I see them on twitter, articles on the internet and have discussions with them at work? I avoid the comments sections as much as possible. I try to just get information I want/need as cleanly as possible, but it's tough. It bothers me to see people fight, to watch as people rage about religion, families, children, politics, money... without regard that there is a person on the other end of that device, taking it in. Damage really is being done. It makes us hard, suspicious, angry... is that really what we need more of? This blog isn't open for comments and its not out of cowardice, it's really just because the intent of this is for me to have a space to write, not for me to collect fans or haters. I don't need to know if someone agrees with me or not to know my own mind on something. Whether I sound old or out of touch, young or immature, matters little to me when I don't share my whole life here. I listen to my family and friends who know me deeply. Those are the comments that matter - critical or not.

I wish there were a way to turn things around, but these things feel like runaway trains in the world. So, here I will keep the comments closed, keep my eyes on how I can be effectively critical in situations around me, but remembering there are people with families, concerns, joys, passions... people like me and unlike me who want things to be better, if just in their little part of the world.

Blue Bookends

I was really excited to get an advance copy of Notes From A Blue Bike to review. I care deeply about these topics on organization and intentional living and from the start I was excited to hear what this writer had to say. Unfortunately, while it’s a nice read, I didn't feel like there was a lot of information shared that I didn't already know, apart from the author’s personal life experiences.  But if I ever had something published I wouldn't want someone to chuck a flame-thrower at my work and walk away, I'd want to know what I got right first.

I'm not familiar with the author, so I'm sure I'm not one of the hundreds of people from her blog who will write a glowing review just because she wrote something. The tone of the book vacillates between thoughtful journaling and being a bit of a snob. Not being a regular reader of Oxenreider’s blog I'm sure I'm missing some context for her perspective and experience. In the middle of some of these “notes” I began to wonder if these were just recycled blog posts that were tossed together under thematic banners, but I digress…

We’ll start with the positive: It’s a readable, accessible book. People who write blogs and then become book-writers don't often lose any of their blogger voice. That can work for the reader when there’s a how-to element to the book. If it sounds like a friend sharing, or instructing then it’s much more likely you’ll stay attached to the text and maybe even adopt some of the recommendations. There were drawbacks to her tone at time, but more about that later, I'm staying positive.

Another positive is that there are actually good recommendations for categorizing your goals (hers were Food, Work, Education, Travel and Entertainment). I think trying to tackle something as large as all of the loose ends of your life would be overly labor-intensive. Big picture first, then nitty gritty details. The big areas of our life would be Finances, Health, Education and Outreach. I think we can pretty much file all of our day to day cares, hopes, goals, and work under those. So, readers can find their own big topics and start brainstorming what they care about and how they want to live. I also appreciated the trial and error honesty in the Education section. Trying something new with conviction is good. Just as good is to know when to stop. The room to fail is an important thing in families and children need to know that even with big decisions there is room to switch gears most of the time. There are also a fair amount of suggestions to consider for your food journey (we'd already explored options, so it wasn't a revelation to me to look at local delivery or farmer's market options, but it might be for someone else just starting this journey). 

Finally, I love the idea of topics like this being a conversation, whether with your spouse, children or friends, these things are great to talk through so you’re not working in a silo. You're going to find successes and failures in others’ experiences and that can be really helpful when you're not trying to waste time re-inventing the wheel. It’s also nice, as things fall into place and as you feel more intentional about your life, to be able to help others get there, too. No one has to sign off on what your family is intentional about, except your family, so discussion is great, but commitment is a different thing. Good to keep that in mind if this becomes a round table discussion with friends. I felt myself being judge-y about some of Oxenreider's choices, but since I don't have to make the commitment myself, I shouldn't care. Admittedly, I didn't read every discussion question, but the one’s I did read were good.

So, here are my reservations about this particular book: If you're a Tsh devotee you may just want to skip to the last paragraph to avoid getting royally ticked off over any criticism of this work at all.

Tone: When you're trying to share your experiences and what you've learned there’s a fine line between sharing and snobbery, between recommendations and accusation. Overlooking how many times she mentioned she was an "expat", I was completely with her in the Food section, our family having asked and answered many of the same questions of food source, quality and cooking ourselves. But I had to bristle at remarking about the “insipid grocery store eggs”. Grocery stores all over the US sell organic, free-range eggs from chickens that are treated well, live locally and are not injected with hormones. I didn't want to over-react, but man, she sounded like a jerk there. Yep, not everyone can raise chickens or hit the farmer’s market, but responsible eggs can be found at the grocery store, too. There were several other examples of where she slipped over into being way too opinionated about what was “right”, since I don't think she meant “just for her family”. It’s just a rude way to deliver a message. The complication of the memoir-ish tone is that it wasn't just “here’s what we did”, she instructs as well, which means you have to be more thoughtful about who is receiving that instruction. Maybe she assumes everyone who picks up her book is just like her, but I would have been more cautious about my adjectives.

Celebrity and Autonomy: In my favorite section on Education she felt the need to mention her readership in her decision-making, and place herself in a position of notoriety or celebrity: being on the fence of the homeschoolers and traditional education folks. I think it’s a ridiculous thing to call out even if it felt like a true part of her life. It’s not relatable, so I think it should have been omitted for the sake of all of us who were in that car with her, crying as moms over the things we want, but cannot make happen… then she has to squawk about her readership? You lost me. 

Finally, where the heck is the bike? I think it’s a little strange to use a bike as your banner to readers:  eco-friendly, healthy, local and then spend 99% of the book on planes, in cars and not on the bike. As far as I could tell the bike was bookending the whole thing, but not much else.  For all of the analyzing Oxenreider does, she doesn't document one minute of scrutinizing whether the money spent on travel to visit her “Compassion” child in another country would have been better off given directly to the family whose circumstances were so dire. Was it worth the pollution and gas too? Such is the position of people who love to travel: I love the earth, I’m eco-friendly, I care about where I buy my eggs, but don’t think about the gazillion gallons of gas I consume going to the Philippines or to Australia for a week.

Anyway, if you can get past the issues on tone, you're half-way there. There is good stuff here to consider and talk about. Even starting the conversation is intentional, so you'd be on the right track. I'd read this book lightly and then dig in with folks you know and trust and look at changes that you want to make. It's worth the time too, if you're a Christian, to go through scripture with other Christians to consider whether they way you want to live aligns with serving others the way Jesus calls us to. 

This post is part of the Blue Bike Blog Tour. I do not know Tsh Oxenreider personally, nor am I being compensated for this review. To learn more and join the journey, head here.

Best Beef Stew (no lie)

Ingredients

• 4 pounds bottom round, well trimmed and cut into 2-inch pieces
• 1 cup all-purpose flour
• 1/3 cup olive oil
• 2 large onions, diced 
• 1 6-ounce can tomato paste
• 1 cup dry red wine
• 1 pound potatoes, cut into 2-inch pieces (about 4 cups)
• 1/2 pound carrots (about 2 cups)
• 2 cups beef broth
• 1 tablespoon kosher salt
• 1 teaspoon dried thyme leaves
• 1 bay leaf
• 
  
• Directions

1. Coat the beef in the flour. Heat a few tablespoons of the oil in a large skillet over medium-high heat. Brown the meat, a few pieces at a time, adding more oil as necessary. Transfer to a 4- to 6-quart slow cooker.
2. Add the onions to the skillet and cook over medium heat until tender, about 10 minutes. Stir in the tomato paste and coat the onions; transfer to the cooker.
3. Pour the wine into the skillet and scrape up any browned bits; add to the cooker. Stir in the potatoes, carrots, broth, salt, thyme, and bay leaf.
4. Cover and cook on low heat for 7 1/2 hours, or on high for 4 hours. (I do the 4 hour method, it's perfect). 

Wondering About Calling

In a search for new books I have come across several recommendations. I am pleased to dive into Notes from a Blue Bike soon and have peeked in on a few other recommendations... while searching I noticed a theme of books about purpose, calling and dreaming/living the dream. I read some descriptions (most of which start off with 'ever wonder why you feel restless/distant/dis-satisfied..." The women who write these books are Christians, mothers, writers probably with loads to do in their lives. So they write about women needing to find purpose in their lives - God's purpose.

I heard a sermon once where the pastor said, "I get young people coming to me all the time asking what their purpose is, afraid they can't figure out their calling. I tell them, start with what God has called all of us to do - serve, love, give, forgive... They don't like that response - they want something special and unique."

"Special and unique" may be the unspoken criteria to which we ask God about our purpose and calling. Maybe that leads to the restlessness... we don't like what we've been called to so we don't put our whole heart in it, we do things half-way, always wanting the special calling, the thing that will make us stand out. In a sense we want a calling that is going to make others look at us with admiration, respect...envy?

I admit I spend time thinking about that, too. Wondering if the time to do something special has passed. But as my husband and I were talking last night I really started to see roots form in the things we listed were really good about our lives. We live in a very small apartment the three of us, but it's a nice place, well maintained (mostly) and it meets our needs. I have to work full-time, but I get flexibility in my schedule and work with some good people. Hubby is in school and has to take care of our little one which means he has to shoehorn in study time most days, but he's doing well and our daughter is happy at home... I've thought of our time while he's been in school as "transition" until he graduates and works, but it's not true. This is it. This is our life. Breathe deeply, this is it. It's not some future state or future calling. It's now. We are not more than what we are, but we aren't less either.

We are not missionaries, world leaders, famous writers, but we are a family, teachers to our daughter... maybe not special and unique, but specific and real. I don't think God needs to call me to something really outrageous or even "special". Being a mommy is special, being a wife is special. It's not unique, but it is impactful. It's where I teach and learn and grow. It's where I can glorify God. Why would I want to trade that in for something else?

Best Carrot Berry Nut Muffins (no lie)

Carrot Berry Nut Muffins

2 cups all-purpose flour
1 1/4 cups granulated sugar
1 cup mixed dried fruit from Trader Joe's (contains golden raisins, blueberries, cranberries and cherries). No need to re-hydrate as the moisture from the cooking process will plump up the fruit.
1/2 c. chopped walnuts

1/2 c. pistachio meat (sold without the shell at Trader Joe's)
2 tsp baking soda
2 1/2 tsp cinnamon
2 tsp nutmeg

2 tsp ginger
1/2 tsp salt
3 c peeled and grated carrots
3 eggs
1/2 cup vegetable oil
1/4 cup applesauce

1. Preheat 350 degrees. Line and grease muffin pan lightly. Make sure the pan gets some spray, too as these are big muffins and you don't want the tops to rip off when you take them out just because they stick to the pan around the muffin liner.

2. Combine fruit, nuts and dry ingredients in a large bowl.

3. In a separate bowl, beat the eggs then stir in carrots and oil. Add to dry ingredients all at once, stirring just until moistened. Then add your applesauce. It will look a little thick, you'll want to add water. Don't. They'll be all right.

4. Bake for 20-25 minutes until tops spring back when touched. Let them cool in the pan for a few minutes, then pop them out to finish cooling on a rack. But do yourself a favor and eat one while it's warm. And then eat another. 

Been Awhile

I have thought about blogging, but have virtually abandoned it for months. Pace picked up in our life around early November and the back-burner got full.

Things that were a priority were my daughter turning one, celebrating my Dad's life on the first anniversary of his death, Christmas, Thanksgiving... all good things.

We are restoring now, planning on slimming down our lives (including my butt), listening to what our lives, minds, bodies are asking of us. Trying to fine tune ourselves to the voices that need to be heard (our daughter, each other, God) and letting the rest go.

Cooking is going to be fun. Cleaning is going to be fun. We're looking forward to it!

When I'm happy...

• anytime I'm with my baby girl 
• anytime I'm with my husband
• when I'm watching Anne of Green Gables
• after I've exercised 
• when I discover a new writer I'm excited about 
• when I get an unexpected note in the mail from a friend
• when our apartment is fully clean
• when I find a new way to save money
• when I feel God's presence
• when I feel there's poetry moving through my ordinary moments
• when my little girl lights up when I walk in the door
• when she kisses my cheek 
• when I have time to write 
• when I give something to someone that truly makes them happy 

Tattler's Branch

It's easy to tell when an author loves her characters. Someone has taken time to ensure they don't say trite things or move in conventional ways. The author has spent time with them, thinking them into full human beings, giving them circumstances in which their humanity raises up or flags under trial. Setting them in a specific time and place. It's wonderful to read a book that has been shaped so lovingly.

Tattler's Branch is a charming and tense read. The laborious opening descriptions of this apparently southern, or simply backwoods, community almost had me moving on, but I stayed in Skip Rock and was glad to meet Lilly. I thought this was an incredibly thoughtful and well rounded character. There was a strength to Lilly that I appreciated, but only because it was coupled with her honest fear in some of the more suspenseful scenarios of the book.

Impressed with her tenderness towards the people in her community I found the revelation regarding Lilly's pregnancies to be particularly touching and well written section of the book. The touching metaphor closing the chapter of this painful loss left me with a lump in my throat. "The breeze teased the petals just out of reach when she bent to pick them up. They danced across the yard and out of sight. Lilly lifted the vase and studied the peonies. They wouldn't last long either, but they were no less lovely, no less significant, for the briefness of their time. She would enjoy them while she could."

The book was more suspenseful than I had expected, but didn't seep into the margins of soap-opera-esque dramatics. I felt the tension of flesh and bone, love and failure, good and evil in every bend of the story. The only course it took towards the end was a little heavy handed in it's hope for Shade's salvation. I didn't think Lilly was out of line when she tells him that "we're all sinners...the ground at the foot of the cross is even", but I wasn't clear that Shade's response was genuinely redemptive. His perspective on things is lost by the end, we don't really know what he's thinking or how he's calculating thing, what's churning inside of him once the story stays with Lilly.

Overall, the story is a charming puzzler and one I would read again. I kept looking for traces of inauthenticity, but the characters feel true and the story is not overblown. The only detraction for me was the cover art. Why in the world would make a period piece and then put a woman on the cover who looks like a model in 2013? The only thing that tells you this might not be a modern-day story is the dress she's wearing. I guess even Christian fiction has to look Vogue.

You can read more from Jan Watson here.

This review has also been posted to Amazon and Goodreads.

The Blessed Woman (Idea)

I appreciated this book after having to have read a rather obnoxious Christian self-help book for women this summer with my church. I have grown very tired of Christian middle-school topics being pitched to mature Christian women and everyone “loving it”. I was ready for something more grown-up by the end of the summer study and this seemed like a good turn: reading about women of the bible and learning from them. What a refreshing idea!

The concept of the book was appealing to me: finding mentors in the bible when you can’t find them in real life. I don’t think there was anything terribly earth-shattering in terms of biblical study in this book, but it was mostly well written and with some good analysis of the characters. While I found the last chapter a bit trite (and unfair in her categorization and condemnation of Orpah), I did like what Morris had to say about the idea of maturity and leadership, teaching and bringing others along in the journey. In its usefulness I can see this book being more productive as a discussion with other women (utilizing the book study in the back of the book would be a good starting point) where you can ease away from denominational doctrine and boundaries.

Of particular interest were the chapters on Eve for her depiction of a woman without the benefit of a community of women who had gone before her; Mary for her devotion to God while facing an uncertain future; and Hannah for giving her heart’s desire back to God again and again (even when fulfilled).

There were drawbacks to this otherwise benign study: Her criticism of some women appeared to be too harsh. This is only compounded by the last chapter that encourages women not to tear one another down to get ahead. Morris seems fine with tearing down some of the women in scripture to make her points. Also, I don’t know that this book was really written for women who aren’t married with children. Nearly every non-scriptural analogy Morris offered hinged on her husband or children. I am married with a child, but I’d like to think I could offer some teaching from my life that didn’t start off with “So, my husband and I…“ or “when I talk to my daughter…” Further, her constant need to refer to her husband was tolerable in the beginning of the book (frankly, I’d probably write a fair amount about my husband if I were writing about my life), but as the book went on I realized she couldn’t really go that long without mentioning him. It became an annoyance that she didn’t really seem to have much to say that wasn’t about or credited to her husband.

I didn’t know anything about Morris or her husband when I selected this book to read. It had an attractive title, subtitle and inviting cover, so I picked it. Apparently Morris’ husband has a big church in Texas (I’ve never heard of him or his church), but I kind of got the feeling that she assumed everyone knows who her [big shot?] husband is, calling him one of his generations ‘greatest speakers’. I try to avoid biographical information about authors prior to reading their books simply because I believe someone’s work should stand on its own and insecure writers tend to put their pedigree in the pages. I kind of wish Morris’ editor had extracted more of the information plugging their church and her husband’s ministry.

I can say that Morris’ idea was one that I will follow, rather than reading this book again, I think I’ll just take my time and do my own study on the women I find inspiring from scripture.

I received this book for free from WaterBrook Multnomah Publishing Group for this review.

• Author's Website
• More Info
• Read Chapter One
• Author Bio

Tracking

No artificial sweeteners - check!
Walking three times per week - check!
Eating mostly natural foods - check!
Limiting stress - ummm....

Why is it that eliminating stress in my life feels like playing whack-a-mole these days? I think I can categorize my stress into a few levels:

LOW: every-day to-dos: errands, cleaning, shopping, planning, budgeting... I need to do better about this, but I'm pretty good at it already, so I'm not really sure what else I can do to organized my time around my work and family any better than I already am. The juggling can be a lot to manage.

MED: I am participating in a weekly book study on "She's Got Issues" which I can't say I've enjoyed. I did start off the study enjoying the women in my group, but last week I was really irritated with the talkers taking over. Why must women dominate others?

Being the group leader I feel the pressure to bridge the gap for others, to slow down the dominators and pump up the quieter ones... but I am failing miserably at this. I walked away feeling frustrated at the dominators, but mostly mad at myself for not being able to get a handle on these women. I asked our overall group facilitator to join us for this week to see if she can help reign in this group and get us back on track. It's a failure, but it causes some stress for that reason.

MED: managing myself - the new parameters around food & drink, making sure I'm exercising, taking time for myself... not very good at this last part yet.

HIGH: relationships. Hubby - wonderful; baby- lovely; everyone else - eeeehhhhh. I see my sister a lot during the week and sometimes it can be a bit much to be together so often. Friends - I don't have as much time anymore to call on the phone, get together. I think my best friend from Indiana is miffed at me for not wanting to go on a girls weekend with her. I really just want to be with my little one as much as possible. I can sense she's ticked though. Other assorted questioning, insecurities and nonsense that can be distractingly stressful.

So stress wins as the thing I can't really get a handle on now. I know eliminating stress has a lot to do with just slimming down one's life, but it sure is hard. I hope to get some ideas on this soon.

Energy

I've been on a new track for walking/moving during the week. I've also cut out all artificial sweeteners and am in progress with making the change to mostly-natural foods. I've been researching a fair amount of low-cholesterol meals (doc is giving me a few months for my LDL to improve before considering medication).

I've discovered it's not really that hard to avoid processed foods - it does mean getting rid of most of the snacks that I consume at work and making an effort to fill that void with fresh fruits or veggie snacks, but that's something I'm willing to do.

So all of this experimenting will continue for as long as needed, but I will do a weigh in in two months to see if dropping processed foods and sweeteners has made any difference.

I'm also considering a yoga class in a few weeks, but haven't fully committed to that since I have a couple of other obligations to wrap up before then, but I do think I'd like to give that a try.

I am resolved not to join a gym unless absolutely necessary and I would like to talk to a nutritionist, but not the one at my endocrinologist's office. She wasn't really all that pleasant last time, so I only want to bring people on board this adventure who are going to be a great support and influence.

I figure if I can slog through the heat of summer with 3 committed walks per week then I can do just about anything. I need to work on strengthening exercises too for more energy and well, strength.

This post is decidedly un-poetic - just a quick update to see my commitment in print.

Joy

Looking back over some of my posts I realized I'm guilty of what I accuse other bloggers of doing - being way too serious and kind of a downer.

So after a bible study on Wednesday where I told the other ladies in my group that I was tired and didn't see a way to get organized in my life and to have time to enjoy my family, I've actually been enjoying my family more.

My sweet girl is on the floor right now, having found the diaper basket (with clean diapers) and is happily hugging them and putting them on her head. she's a master crawler now and is quickly moving all over the apartment. I am glad for these few minutes to watch her completely wrapped up in how fun it is to hold a diaper and play with it. Clean ones, folks.

I am grateful for the prayers of the women who are mentioning my name to God this week. There is joy to be had and I'm going to get back to it. If I don't write enough about it, I'll do better.

Time In

I have had terrible jaw pain lately because I'm clenching my teeth, both during the day and while I sleep. I tried a very expensive mold-at-home mouth guard... woke up with worse pain in a couple of my teeth than the jaw pain ever caused. I know it's stress. I am working 40-45 hours a week, taking care of our baby at night, in a book club at my church on Wednesday nights... errand running, cooking, cleaning... I've never felt like time passed more quickly, yet inefficiently as it has in the last few months.

When I recall what it was like to be home with the baby full time it makes my heart ache. I had oodles of time with her, so I felt like it was OK to take breaks and get other stuff done. Now that I'm working I don't feel like I have that "leeway" to spend time doing other things. I want to be with her as much as possible.

Hubby and I mostly talk about what needs to get done during the week - how were your classes - how was your day... not like we used to. The plan was for me to have time to do something for myself once a week, but that falls by the wayside a lot. Sometimes by my hand, sometimes it just doesn't happen for other reasons.

When I do get time to myself it is hard to concentrate and relax. Relaxing isn't familiar to me anymore. The luxury of losing myself in thought, a good book, or writing just doesn't come easy. If I'm writing it turns into a to-do list; if I'm reading, I find myself re-reading just to make sense of what the author is saying... my thoughts usually turn to just imagining having more money, being at home full-time... things that are not part of our reality right now.

I know my husband probably feels the same about his studies. Cramming as much work into a couple of hours at a stretch has to be hard. He doesn't seem rested any more than I do. His joy seems sapped.

When your heart stretches one way & your life has to be worked out in another ... this feels like the hard part of parenting, hard part of maturing...

Little Observer

Sometimes when driving with my Little One in the backseat things can be pretty quiet. Then over the hum of traffic I hear "oooh ahhhh" or "doooh"... I look back in the mirror, to her mirror, to see a reverse reflection of a sweet little observer. I catch her looking with her brow furrowed up, at the clouds, the trees... My daughter is lovely and I love what I'm seeing in her.

It may just be a baby thing, but I've been around a fair amount of other children lately and I don't see what's happening with this little girl... she's absorbing, thinking, looking... I hope that she's a thinker, a contemplator, a reflective little soul.

It's really a miraculous thing to watch someone grow into awareness of the world around them. What an amazing thing to be a parent.

When to Step Away

I got to close a door in my life recently that has been a source of stress for me for many months. Since my father died my mother has been slow to get the house cleaned up and organized. It's in quite a bit of disarray, my parents both "hoarding" (for lack of a better term). Over the past few years my mother has gotten to blame my father for her lack of productivity and organization.

Now that he is gone it was his "stuff" that prevented her from doing what she wanted to do with the house. She kept saying she was overwhelmed by all of the boxes so "the kids" came in and did everything for her. Then it was our stuff that was the problem. This weekend we spent hours taking our things out.

What was surprising to her, I think, is that the house is still a wreck. She's got so much stuff, so many rooms filled with years and years of possessions that she's not really paid attention to how much she's accumulated. It prevents her from opening her home to anyone, to hosting holidays, to even having her grandchildren over.

So, now that we're no longer to blame, I've stepped away from trying to fix this and being so worked up about it. We've encouraged her to get help, which she's refused. We've even offered to clean with her. She's refused. So it's up to her. She keeps saying she has to be in the right mindset, but I think that's just more excuses and blaming. I've tried to have compassion. I know that some people must look at me and think "man, I wish she'd just get it together and lose weight!", so I know that change is hard especially when people are looking at you doing it. But I don't think she'll be able to do this on her own, so things won't change. And like my Dad's stuff, this will eventually be our problem to clean up.

So much time has been poured into this home that isn't ours, time away from our own families fixing problems that were years in the making... I just kind of came to the realization that sometimes helping people isn't the help they need. So, I'm not closing the door on my mother, just the nonsense of the tangled web she's woven in her house. My own little family needs me and that is where I want to be. I do hope that when she sees that no one comes over, that it's not a place where her grandchildren can play that it will be a motivating force to get going. Honestly, you live your life with all this stuff... what meaning does it have when it lowers your quality of life and relationships...

PS: I am enjoying my post-work/evening walks with Little One. I am also proud of staying away from the trashy snack cabinet at work... baby steps are steps!!! I am taking my own medicine - looking 10 years down the road - where do I want to be and how do I want to be living ... I don't want to squander the time I have now to fix this.

New Things

I'm starting a new thing tomorrow night. I'll be leading a discussion group on "She's Got Issues". I'm not super into the book yet. As I've mentioned before I'm not impressed with the "Am I right, Ladies?!?!" tone of the book and some surprisingly sweeping generalizations about the issues women deal with, but I'm willing to work with it.

I hope that the barrier of tone and topic won't prevent growth. I'm excited to get to know the women in my group. I realized this weekend that while I'm in a position of facilitation I'm really more excited to listen and learn. I've always longed for a wise-female relationship where I can lean on someone who is older, more experienced and cares to guide, not dictate, but to love and pray for a younger generation. Most people get this with their mothers or grandmothers. I didn't.

My sister mentioned last night how worried she was that she was doing things like our mother. I told her to consider this: how we are is kind of like riding a bike. Whatever we're focused on, where our mind/attention is we are likely to follow. If you look over your left shoulder while you're riding your shoulders, arms, and inevitably the bike are going to follow. By focusing so much on not being our mother, is she in a sense turning in that direction.

How we behave is sometimes not up to us - lots of things influence reaction, but mostly we can decide how we want to change and move towards it. I think fixing your eyes on something you love, want to be, or simply what is good, is a great way to avoid some of the inherited unsavory characteristics she's dealing with. Self-awareness is good, but obsession of avoidance of issues can be inviting too much of that in when you're trying to keep it out.

It'll be nice to hear from women with years more experience than I dealing with things kind of like this. Looking forward to it...

Another Snip About Blogs (and the books that follow)

"Am I right, ladies?!?!"

You might think I was at a comedy club, but no, I am reading blogs by Christian women, books by the same and not enjoying every minute of it.

I don't expect to find the "perfect" anything, but I gotta say the new swoop of women preaching the gospel of "everything you do is OK" is a little disturbing. There are bunches of blogs and books out there with this philosophy and it makes me cringe a little when the tone is asking me to implicate myself in all of this mess...

My mother, who is chronically passive aggressive, left me a printout of this blog-post (written by a man) letting parents know that if they yell at their kids, want to hide in closets from them and who generally gripe about the roles they've been given that they're not terrible parents. I disagree. I'm not sure what my mother intended me to get out of this, but what I got was a headache.

Of course the ideal or perfect is not out there and I'm not striving for it. I'm striving for what my baby needs me to be, not what my neighbor's baby needs her mamma to be. I do have a simple focus on my family. Maybe that's unusual, but it's where I'm coming from.

I do think that yelling at your kids, having tantrums, constantly complaining about parenting is bad parenting and we should admit it as such. The distinction I draw is that not all hope is lost if these things do happen. I believe in forgiveness and reconciliation between parents and children and it's the parents who need to model this. What I find is that most parents who are angry, dissatisfied parents got into it for the wrong reasons and are festering in their bad choices because they can't keep their minds and hearts on their little nucleus. They're too busy comparing themselves and their unwitting families to others. Festering dissatisfaction leads to many an unhappy family.

So, you yell, you stop, you get your sorry butt together (a six year old is not your equal, so being her bully is not going to work out so well for either of you), ask her forgiveness, talk about what happened then take your sorry butt to God and ask for help to find a better way.

And if you can't find a better way than yelling and avoiding you need to go find a good counselor. Patting ourselves on the back for bad parenting is not the answer. Acknowledgement of where we fall short is great. Admitting our faults is good therapy. However, when it starts to become the normal way we talk about our lives and our little ones we have left the path of reason.

Parenting is hard, or hadn't you heard? But it doesn't make it easier to have a bunch of women, especially Christian parents, saying "hey ladies, just let it go; you're not perfect, so what of it? It's all about how you feel, not how you make your family feel." Let's just admit it, it IS being a terrible parent to yell at your child, but it doesn't stop there. There has to be a reasonable in-between. The standard isn't perfection, but it should be kindness, love, gentleness... and when you mess that up, you get up and get your forgiveness on.

Am I right, ladies? Am I right? 

Training for Days and Days

I like that my job has evolved lately. I'm growing into new more fun areas, since I've been pretty static in my role for a few years. With new responsibilities comes training. Training means days and days of sitting in a conference room listening to a speaker present on their professional expertise on any given topic. This can be taxing and tiring.

It also means I'm away from my real job, which doesn't wait, just piles up.

I wish there were a more innovative way to train rather than having someone at the front lecture on how do to 489 things in this new role, none of which you're really able to determine really applies to you or not. It feels like a waterfall of information crashing on my shoulders. I like the idea of walking upstream of a brook... I can take my time, catching the information I need as needed.

So, anyway, the training aside it also means I'm sitting for 8 hours a day... ugh. I did well these last few days getting out on little walks, watching what I eat, trying to get some more sleep, but these three days have really worked against me.

I'm excited to take this information, sieve through it and get on with my job. I'm also glad to get back to moving around more regularly (at will) and keeping those calories burning.