Energy

I've been on a new track for walking/moving during the week. I've also cut out all artificial sweeteners and am in progress with making the change to mostly-natural foods. I've been researching a fair amount of low-cholesterol meals (doc is giving me a few months for my LDL to improve before considering medication).

I've discovered it's not really that hard to avoid processed foods - it does mean getting rid of most of the snacks that I consume at work and making an effort to fill that void with fresh fruits or veggie snacks, but that's something I'm willing to do.

So all of this experimenting will continue for as long as needed, but I will do a weigh in in two months to see if dropping processed foods and sweeteners has made any difference.

I'm also considering a yoga class in a few weeks, but haven't fully committed to that since I have a couple of other obligations to wrap up before then, but I do think I'd like to give that a try.

I am resolved not to join a gym unless absolutely necessary and I would like to talk to a nutritionist, but not the one at my endocrinologist's office. She wasn't really all that pleasant last time, so I only want to bring people on board this adventure who are going to be a great support and influence.

I figure if I can slog through the heat of summer with 3 committed walks per week then I can do just about anything. I need to work on strengthening exercises too for more energy and well, strength.

This post is decidedly un-poetic - just a quick update to see my commitment in print.

Summer Stride

I don't really like hot weather. Warm I can deal with, but hot, sweaty, muggy weather stinks. I love the crispness of winter that brings on apple cider and comfy sweaters, the bite of winter that gets you reaching for long johns and quilts (and your favorite couch cuddler)... so in many ways summer stinks for me, but I am looking forward to a few things:

1) Summer Study on She's Got Issues - something about this looks good. Don't know if it is yet, but I'm excited to dive in.

2) Beach trip: we go to the beach every year, retreated early last year because of a snake outside of the house (eek!!), but this year we're taking the baby for her first trip to the ocean. I'm excited for her to be in the presence of something so great. I only hope it doesn't cause a complete meltdown between the sun, sand and surf... we'll see how it goes!

3) Cleaning Out: we started this task this weekend. We live in a very small apartment and it's easy to have our place taken over by clutter if we let it get away from us. We spent some time cleaning out and organizing closets. At some point you just have to be ready to say "goodbye" to things you don't use or are just using you.

4) Ending Obligation: since my Dad died my siblings and I have had to take care of cleaning out, dividing and donating all of our father's possessions. This is not an easy task, but we are in the home stretch. I hope to, very soon, have this task behind me and have no other need to dig things up again. It can finally be laid to rest.

So summer looks ambitious, but I am looking forward to the challenge of meeting new people and learning in the book study, to enjoying the beach, and finishing the freeing task of clearing out years of baggage.

On Track

I am happy to report that this weekend marked a turning point for me for several things:

Physical activity: I was good about walks, doing stretches and fun little step exercises. It's always good to feel the burn without feeling burned out. Little One enjoyed it too!

Eating: I felt free to not over eat. Does that sound weird? It's not like I have someone standing over me screaming "Eat more!!" after every plate, but sometimes I just am going so fast, I keep going without thinking, stopping and feeling... I felt free to stop before I hit that pain point where my belly says, "you've gone too far".

Health: I have diabetes, and for the first time in 6 months I had a scary high on Friday night, coupled (post-insulin) with a terrible low. I looked at my baby daughter and thought "I will not be this out of control again, for your sake".

I feel incredibly invigorated and excited to give myself the best things that will have me at my best for myself, my husband and daughter. I was listening to a Beth Moore study and the "blue ribbon" commitment to remember your struggle and what you are striving for - I have yet to tie a blue cord on my wrist yet, but it's been on my mind a lot which is just as good when it pushes you in the right direction.

I reflected on my dear Dad, who has been gone for 6 months now... how much would he have liked some years back to repair his health... I have that chance now, as much as I'm able I want to do what I can every day. Only this one day I have to be active, be on track. I don't have to be yesterday or tomorrow. Just today. That's do-able.

Confessions

Last week our team at work had doughnuts TWICE in a week. I participated. Both times.
My lean, healthy husband had dessert nearly every night. I participated, too.
Our anniversary was Friday. I bought us a cake.

I have the guilty sugary pounds of guilt all over my hands. I have to be hard on myself here. Thinking I have tomorrow to re-start is what got me here in the first place. I am terrible at this. My constant, ever-present, heavy source of failure since I was in fourth grade. I cannot get there like this.

I need to confess simply to put it in front of my own face. Exercise is great, but without shaving off the sugar, I'm stuck.

Mommy's going to go out on a limb and make a promise. Week by week: I will not make excuses that cause me to have something to confess later on. I will make good choices. I will exercise and exercise self-control. I will remember the Mommy I want to be for my little one, the Mommy she needs me to be.

I will do better.

No Excuses

We just ordered a few items that will make it easier to get out with the baby this summer - no excuses for Mommy to not be willing to take her out in the summer heat on the weekend.

Our little one was a miserable hot box whenever we took her out during the day. We're hoping these things will be helpful:

Meeno Babies "Cool Mee" Universal Bucket Seat Liner:  This will help keep her cool on her back so she doesn't sit in a pool of sweat. 

Cool On The Go - Versatile Hands-Free Personal Cooling Device: This will hopefully work to provide her a little breeze and to keep bugs off of her while we're out and about. 

Clip On Sunshade: Since my husband is obsessed with the UV index and keeping our fair skinned little one protected (she's not old enough for sunblock yet) we decided to try this. It'll provide shade and sun protection. 

We've also gotten some shades for the car, a couple of brimmed hats, and sunglasses which she refuses to wear now. All hoping this adds up to more time outside without a lot of risk and difficulty for Baby. 

It will be nice to move more on the weekends. My weight has been steady, but stagnant - I need to get this off soon. I've started to have pain in my feet and knees, so summer, here we come!!

Might get one of those sunshades for myself! 

Moving and Not So Much Moving

So, I've got a re-committed eye on exercise, but I am struggling to get in a groove. We went out last night with Baby on a walk (first non-rainy day in awhile). I do get out sometimes, but it's the Monday Muscles that remind me that my short weekend of activity is considerably more than I get during the week.

Because it's important I am going to take a walk when I get to work in the morning, then I have to go to silly lengths to make sure I'm moving enough during the day. Sending documents to copiers on the other side of my building, taking the stairs instead of the elevator, checking the weather by literally walking downstairs and going outside... you have to do these things when you have an office job.

I also realized, holding my Baby on our walk last night, that my upper body strength is pathetic. I need to build up and get stronger to keep up with this little one. I'm sure there are a million little things I could do, but the one that makes the most sense is to just lift weights on a regular basis.

Getting it all on the calendar... getting it integrated into my life... I'm getting there.

On Walks

I did take Baby out on a walk yesterday and it felt good to get out and move. I realize I hadn't done it in awhile and my knees hurt now, so it's a nice reminder to keep moving and work out the kinks. I think a daily walk after work will be good for both of us.

I didn't think of 35 walks after all. I tried and did think of a few, but my mind drifted instead to the people I walk with. The special or monumental moments of walking side by side with someone in joy, despair, or just ordinary sweetness. My father walking me down the aisle for my wedding, my husband escorting me on the way back; my sister and her baby walking with me and mine when they were just weeks old; my husband walking in the door with me as we brought our baby home from the hospital. Walking in the door to my parents house shortly after my father died...

There are some walks you don't forget. I want our little girl to remember our walks (especially when she's actually doing the walking!) as times where we had good conversations about the world around us, about what she's thinking, about who we are as a family.

Somehow exercise doesn't seem so bad when I think about it like that.

Pace

Since Baby was born I have been determined to be(come) healthy. Of course the first month or so after she arrived I was just determined to take care of her and sleep as much as possible. No real lofty goals beyond that. Now that we're five months in I have felt a renewed sense of purpose when it comes to my health.

Being diabetic I was closely monitored throughout my pregnancy. Delivering a healthy baby meant taking care of myself - something I'm not especially good at. Already being overweight it was a mandate from my OB to not gain more than 20 pounds during my pregnancy. I think gained 21 pounds to be exact. So much for perfection.

Within a few weeks of delivery I was back to my pre-pregnancy weight. Weight of fluid & baby alleviated soon after delivery and then not eating a great deal when we got home (sleep over food) meant that the weight was gone without a great deal of effort on my part. Now the tough part starts. The rest of the weight. I am genetically pre-disposed to diabetes (check); high blood pressure (not yet) and other assorted issues that might be significantly reduced if I were to lose weight.

The tough part for people who have been overweight most of their lives is that losing weight is a losing battle. It's a territory of failure. It's pounds and pounds of wasted effort, guilt, and emotion that not only don't get rid of the pounds for good, but usually a few more are added on for good measure.

But now I can feel the future coming and how this is going to impact my life with Baby. She's getting to be so active. She's rolling over, and will be crawling soon. I need to be able to keep up with her, keep pace and enjoy her. I don't want to be the mom who has to take a break every few minutes and watch her play from a bench. I want to be in everything with her... not really possible in my current state.

Activity is tough since I've been back to work. On leave I could take her on walks everyday, and was active just keeping up with all of the chores and day to day tending that the Baby needed from me. I felt good and felt like a more positive person, too. Now, back at my desk and with tons of snacks around I find the sluggish sloth returning.

So, with longevity as my goal I would like to drop 50 pounds in the next 6 months. I've set goals like this before and failed. But when I think about what kind of Mommy I want to be, it's worth the try.

Wish me luck.