Me Interviewing Me (1)

1. What was the happiest time of your life? Every day with my daughter & husband, so it's really been my happiest 15 month streak.
2. What was the saddest part of your life? The day my dad died (and most of the days after that).
3. What are your top 3 regrets? Trusting people I shouldn't have out of loneliness, not saving more money when I had the chance, not treating people more kindly when I had the opportunity (tons of faces and names still haunt me and cause a well of shame to wash over me)
4. What are your top 3 aspirations? To raise a healthy and caring daughter, to have a happy marriage every day, to hear God say to me 'well-done'. 
5. What is your favorite sound? tie between my daughter's laugh, sigh and babbling and my husband saying "I love you"
6. What is your favorite book? I love lots of books, but one I cannot ever not say is my favorite is "Pride and Prejudice" 
7. What are you most afraid of? Dying and leaving my baby girl and husband to fend for themselves. Either one of them dying. Or not spending my whole life with God
8. What are you un-afraid of? Telling my husband when I fail. Asking for his forgiveness. Telling my daughter how much I adore her. 
9. What is one thing you can change today? I can change my attitude about how much I've obsessed about negative situations lately. Things just stick to me for far too long. 
10. What is one thing you know you can't change today? Making more time in my life for resting.

Wondering About Calling

In a search for new books I have come across several recommendations. I am pleased to dive into Notes from a Blue Bike soon and have peeked in on a few other recommendations... while searching I noticed a theme of books about purpose, calling and dreaming/living the dream. I read some descriptions (most of which start off with 'ever wonder why you feel restless/distant/dis-satisfied..." The women who write these books are Christians, mothers, writers probably with loads to do in their lives. So they write about women needing to find purpose in their lives - God's purpose.

I heard a sermon once where the pastor said, "I get young people coming to me all the time asking what their purpose is, afraid they can't figure out their calling. I tell them, start with what God has called all of us to do - serve, love, give, forgive... They don't like that response - they want something special and unique."

"Special and unique" may be the unspoken criteria to which we ask God about our purpose and calling. Maybe that leads to the restlessness... we don't like what we've been called to so we don't put our whole heart in it, we do things half-way, always wanting the special calling, the thing that will make us stand out. In a sense we want a calling that is going to make others look at us with admiration, respect...envy?

I admit I spend time thinking about that, too. Wondering if the time to do something special has passed. But as my husband and I were talking last night I really started to see roots form in the things we listed were really good about our lives. We live in a very small apartment the three of us, but it's a nice place, well maintained (mostly) and it meets our needs. I have to work full-time, but I get flexibility in my schedule and work with some good people. Hubby is in school and has to take care of our little one which means he has to shoehorn in study time most days, but he's doing well and our daughter is happy at home... I've thought of our time while he's been in school as "transition" until he graduates and works, but it's not true. This is it. This is our life. Breathe deeply, this is it. It's not some future state or future calling. It's now. We are not more than what we are, but we aren't less either.

We are not missionaries, world leaders, famous writers, but we are a family, teachers to our daughter... maybe not special and unique, but specific and real. I don't think God needs to call me to something really outrageous or even "special". Being a mommy is special, being a wife is special. It's not unique, but it is impactful. It's where I teach and learn and grow. It's where I can glorify God. Why would I want to trade that in for something else?

Been Awhile

I have thought about blogging, but have virtually abandoned it for months. Pace picked up in our life around early November and the back-burner got full.

Things that were a priority were my daughter turning one, celebrating my Dad's life on the first anniversary of his death, Christmas, Thanksgiving... all good things.

We are restoring now, planning on slimming down our lives (including my butt), listening to what our lives, minds, bodies are asking of us. Trying to fine tune ourselves to the voices that need to be heard (our daughter, each other, God) and letting the rest go.

Cooking is going to be fun. Cleaning is going to be fun. We're looking forward to it!

Tracking

No artificial sweeteners - check!
Walking three times per week - check!
Eating mostly natural foods - check!
Limiting stress - ummm....

Why is it that eliminating stress in my life feels like playing whack-a-mole these days? I think I can categorize my stress into a few levels:

LOW: every-day to-dos: errands, cleaning, shopping, planning, budgeting... I need to do better about this, but I'm pretty good at it already, so I'm not really sure what else I can do to organized my time around my work and family any better than I already am. The juggling can be a lot to manage.

MED: I am participating in a weekly book study on "She's Got Issues" which I can't say I've enjoyed. I did start off the study enjoying the women in my group, but last week I was really irritated with the talkers taking over. Why must women dominate others?

Being the group leader I feel the pressure to bridge the gap for others, to slow down the dominators and pump up the quieter ones... but I am failing miserably at this. I walked away feeling frustrated at the dominators, but mostly mad at myself for not being able to get a handle on these women. I asked our overall group facilitator to join us for this week to see if she can help reign in this group and get us back on track. It's a failure, but it causes some stress for that reason.

MED: managing myself - the new parameters around food & drink, making sure I'm exercising, taking time for myself... not very good at this last part yet.

HIGH: relationships. Hubby - wonderful; baby- lovely; everyone else - eeeehhhhh. I see my sister a lot during the week and sometimes it can be a bit much to be together so often. Friends - I don't have as much time anymore to call on the phone, get together. I think my best friend from Indiana is miffed at me for not wanting to go on a girls weekend with her. I really just want to be with my little one as much as possible. I can sense she's ticked though. Other assorted questioning, insecurities and nonsense that can be distractingly stressful.

So stress wins as the thing I can't really get a handle on now. I know eliminating stress has a lot to do with just slimming down one's life, but it sure is hard. I hope to get some ideas on this soon.

Focus

A crazy week and a full weekend = a need to re-focus. Monday being a holiday we went to a nearby park that has a petting farm. It was fun to see our little baby interact with a baby goat. It didn't last very long though - she was hot and tired and after about an hour was ready for home. We are taking these things for what they are as they come. If family time is 30 minutes, so be it.

Tuesday was a regular day at work, Wednesday we had a team volunteer event all day, Thursday was a team fun event at the river, then Friday I was working from home. Kind of a bonkers week for a girl who really likes predictability and routine. It was fun though.

Physical activity was the name of the game on Wednesday while we worked on painting and working with horses, and a little on Thursday, so I was excited about that. I planned on some this weekend, but it became more of a 'it's too danged hot to go outside' kind of time. I did run errands with the baby Saturday afternoon which was a sweaty mess of a mistake.

So, I begin the week needing to focus again and make time to move. I know that self-control is not a virtue granted or bestowed on people... it's something you practice. Self-control will not happen to me, I have to make it happen.

I've taken meetings today across the company campus, rather than taking meetings over the phone; I'm taking the stairs as much as I can stomach it.

A few days of hauling stuff this week at my parents house (my mom wants all of us to go through my Dad's belongings for her) and I'll be set.

Keeping my head up, moving on.

Healing

In my efforts to start fresh with healthy behaviors and attitudes I've done a couple of key things: committed to more physical activity and started this blog. Doesn't sound like much, but really, it just might be enough to get me over the change curve I need in my life.

I'm excited about this change, figuring it out, writing about it... maybe too excited like looking forward to a vacation a little too much, then it can't possibly meet your expectations... I hope I can keep my expectations for change grounded in reasonably small steps.

One thing I haven't thought a lot about in the midst of all of this planning was making time for grief. My father passed away from an apparent heart attack nearly 6 months ago. It was sudden, unexpected and tore my world apart. I was also eight and a half months pregnant at the time.

I love my father very much. It was never lost on me just what a special person I had raising me. My mother was kind of his antithesis in many ways, so I grew very close to Dad and remained that way for many years. I could talk to him about anything, loved spending time with him, learning from him, even debating with him... he was quick to forgive, quick to laugh and loved those he loved very deeply.

So when my mother called us at 10:30 on the last Friday in November I knew something wasn't right. My husband took the call in another room and while he was on the phone a feeling came over me "He's gone..." I knew it, somehow. I didn't have a premonition or a vision, but I knew. It wasn't until my husband confirmed it "That was your Mom. Your Dad passed away tonight" Those words still tear at my heart when I think of them. It was over. He was gone. I would not hear his voice, hear him laugh, see him smile... Then the sinking feeling washed over me when I thought about my daughter: He won't see her... she won't know him.

I think I was in shock for about three days straight, then was in "mothering" mode for my family around me. We made the arrangements, I wrote the obituary, worked on the order of service, wrote his eulogy, contacted family... there's so much to do when someone dies. I also had to continue to work, make all of my doctor's appointments and prepare for the baby.

There was a little time for mourning, but not much. Especially when Baby came, our lives were so different and she needed us to be fully present, if not fully awake. I couldn't take time off to go have the breakdown I do desperately wanted. The loss of my father was worth tearing my hair out over, sitting in sackcloth and ash, rending of garments would have been completely appropriate. But none of that happened.

This week my grief came due... two weekends of family events, where his absence was so present... how could we all just be moving on? How could my daughter possibly be growing up in a world where he isn't here? To be alive is an amazing thing. There is no substitute for it. There is no angelic third presence between alive and dead that we get to occupy. It is stark and terrible and painful, this loss. He would have loved her sweet face, her blueberry blue eyes, her chubby little legs.

Time heals nothing. I can attest to that. Busy-ness cures nothing. Grief will have it's way. If there was ever true Love it requires mourning when it's gone. I need to wade through this heartache I've avoided for so many months. I unwillingly started that this week. I got out of the shower Tuesday night and cried so hard my eyes were still swollen and dry the next morning. How this ties to my goals for myself is that I don't think moving forward is possible with unresolved issues, un-repented wrongs, un-grieved heartache. I don't think it will ever stop coming completely, but for now I'll be giving in, wading through, and wait for the healing.

Commitment

When I get home tonight I am going to kiss my baby, make sure the chicken is thawed for dinner tonight, then pack up the baby for a walk. I will walk for at least 30 minutes. I won't think about the minutes, I will think about the walks I've been on. I'll try to think of one for each of my 35 years. Well, I don't know that I can recall the first few years, but I'll imagine.

So, that's my commitment for tonight. One walk 35 memories. If none pop up I'll make them up.

Get out, get moving with the one(s) you love.

First

First post - always weird.

Like going to parties where you don't know anyone, introducing yourself over and over to strangers, trying to make yourself sound like-able and impressive... beginnings are difficult.

I don't have a complex thesis for this blog. I like to write, and I don't do it enough. I have things in my life that I'd like to change and I need some anonymity to think openly about those little journeys. I also don't really want to hear a lot of feedback so I've turned off the comments on this blog for now. I just want to clear my throat and talk without interruption, without encouragement or criticism and see where this takes me. I don't want to be distracted by "hits", "likes" and opinions of any sort.

My impulse to write this blog comes mostly from being a new mom. I've just gone back to work, and life is full and good. But my weight is too high, my schedule jam packed, I miss my baby, and my spiritual life frays at the edges. So, I want to get healthy, get it together and go deeper - not just because I have a husband and child, but because I want my life, including my family, to be full bodied. Time passes so quickly and I want my time to be meaningful. It's likely it'll only be meaningful to people in my life, but still, that's something.

So, if you're interested, welcome to this place. It's a beginning.